


Forever Yours

by Ananfal



Series: Letter Fics [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 04:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ananfal/pseuds/Ananfal
Summary: Three letters. Burned after being written. The smoke curling up to the sky, bringing the message to the one it was intended for...





	Forever Yours

_Lily,_

_It is, perhaps, a foregone conclusion that these letters might ever find their way to you, but I persist in writing them - for they are a selfish pleasure, as most of my pleasure over the years have been. I write this for my own sense of self, not yours, for you have no need of it anymore, and yet I find myself attempting to spare your feelings. I try not to hurt you, although I already have._

_It haunts me, you know. You haunt me._

_Your child shares the very best of your features - and the very worst. The addition of the animal you chose as his father certainly didn't help his disposition._

_Perhaps that was unkind of me. I cannot bring myself to be kind._

_You were my kindness, Lily. My one bright star in the dark black sky of my life. Without you, I am lost._

_I serve two masters. A third, if one counts the small piece of you remaining in your child. I am torn between so many paths that it is all I can do to keep myself together._

_It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live._

_But I live for you, Lily. I bleed for you. And most of all, I bleed for what could have been._

_Forever yours,_

_S_

* * *

 

_Lily,_

_When there is nothing left of me to give, when my time on this earth is finally over... will I see you again?_

_It would be a reward that I do not deserve, yet I hope for._

_You would be appalled at me. At what I have done. The hurt I have caused you and those you care for and love. The thought of the hate I would surely see in your eyes burns me like acid on my heart. Yet I crave to see your green again... eerily reflected in your son’s eyes, yet marred and twisted by the glasses that remind me so much of my tormentor... and my savior. What was it that you saw in him, Lily?_

_What did he have that I didn’t? Perhaps a different question is needed - what do I have that he doesn’t?_

_The Dark Mark burns tonight. It has burned every night since his return. Its pain sends a sick thrill through me, a grotesque eagerness filling my belly as I wonder: is this the night? Will I live no longer?_

_I am ashamed. Bitter, broken, cruel. Perhaps I could find a word for every letter of the alphabet to describe me. I’m sure my students would jump at the chance. Your husband and his little gang would too. Would you join in, Lily, after all this time? Or just stand by, silently watching with cold eyes._

_You hurt me far more than he, or anyone else, ever could._

_I hate you. I hate loving you. And I hate myself for hating, yet also, loving you._

_Forever yours,_

_S_

* * *

 

_Lily,_

_I have often wondered what about me made me so... unlovable. My father certainly never wanted me. My own mother could barely look at me. And you... You were the best and the worst of them all._

_I don't think you ever truly loved me. Perhaps, when we were children, but it was magic you truly loved then, and me your only connection to it. When we went to Hogwarts, you found other... better connections. You didn't need me any longer._

_Do you remember when I broke the vase your mother had in the hallway? You took the pieces and tried to glue them back together again so that she would never know. But she took one look at it and threw it in the trash. “Broken things that can't be fixed properly are useless.” She declared. Do you remember, Lily?_

_I am like that vase._

_My father broke me before I even had a chance to know what childhood was like. You, with your generous heart and innocent kindness tried to glue me back together, but the cracks were always there. And when it became obvious to you that I wasn't going to be fixed... You threw me away._

_My mother died the year you left me, Lily. I remember your mother trying to come around that summer, trying to cheer me up even though it was obvious you wanted nothing to do with me. I felt shamed even being in her presence. I felt as though I was tainting her. I knew you wouldn’t want me to see her._

_Without you there gluing me together, I shattered into pieces. Lucius and the others got inside of me... They filled me up with purpose, made me feel useful again, even if it was always a hollow feeling. I think... I think that without them, I would have done something very... very foolish that year._

_Perhaps it would have been for the best if I had. Your son would no doubt agree._

_That mistake will no doubt be rectified, I believe. The war will be over soon, and I cannot see myself living through it. If I will not die at the hands of the Dark Lord, it will be at the hands of the Light for everything I have done. Even though I never wished to do it. Even though I had no choice._

_It matters little._

_I will see you again soon, Lily. Do not fear, I will not be tainting your Heaven. No, I shall be in the damned fires, forever watching you leave me to burn._

_Forever yours,_

_S_

* * *

 

Severus waited until the smoke had cleared. Until all that remained was a small pile of ashes, easily cleared away by a flick of his wand. Until there was no reason to wait any longer.

He took a deep breath, the tension and the stress and the pain sliding off of his shoulders like dirt, being washed away after years of silence. The end was near.

Turning, he walked away, hope and relief filling his heart as he answered the Dark Lord's call for the last time.

The end was near.


End file.
